Saturday, June 18, 2016
I think I am starting to regret my decision not to leave you again lol... honestly I don't know why I should still be staying...it's not like you begged me to stay, and it's not as if you can't live without me or something. And you didn't even seem that upset at the thought of losing me lol...I guess maybe it doesn't matter much to you whether I leave or not. Or maybe it's just the thought of someone else leaving you again, that makes you sad, rather than the thought of not having me around. I don't know, I really don't.
And come to think of it, all you did was to try to explain your actions in the past. But you didn't even promise me anything until I asked...you've never ever promised to love me, promised to take care of me or be there for me. you've never promised me the world , not like the rest. And the worst is that I had to ask first..these promises didn't come based on your own accord.
you can always promise to come back, but if you do it without giving me your all, or without intending to give me your fullest love and emotional investment, then what is the point??? I might as well have a manikin for a boyfriend then...
I don't even know just how much you love me honestly. And I must be crazy to still decide to stay with you despite feeling this way. And are you even grateful that I chose to stay? I don't even remember hearing a "thanks for giving this another chance" from you. It's as though you really don't care much whether I stay or leave. Either way, I think I surprised myself by staying also lol...I have no idea why I still love you lol. I can be so stupid when it comes to matters of the heart lol..
Dear God, I've always been praying for a good, virtuous guy who will be good to me and love me deeply and wholeheartedly, and maybe if things work out then we can be life partners and soul mates. I don't know if I have already met him but I know You have a plan for me, and I entrust my life and my future to You.
One of my nurses used to always tell me "Dr, you are so so good to people, you will definitely be blessed with a good husband next time." I don't know how she can be so confident of this, but I sure hope so too haha. Anyway, even if it doesn't happen that way, I know all things happen for a reason. Come what may... and I pray for God's guidance as well as the strength to cope with whatever happens in life.
